July 8, 2015
A few days ago I went to the doctor and discovered I’m at a weight I’ve never before reached. Not in a good way. I’ve gained weight. This number shocked me. First, I had promised I’d never pass a certain number. Well, I broke that. Second, I’ve never been more confident.
I remember way back in public school getting teased about my weight, and I wished I was a normal weight. I listened to my doctor, taking it as gospel when she said as I hit puberty and growth spurts, my weight would even out. It didn’t. For years I trudged around playing the part of the victim. Why hadn’t I hit the magic month of my life where my baby fat disappeared? Everyone else reached it. Why couldn’t my fatness disappear, too? Then I became sick, and I gained even more weight. At times I would go on diets and lose a few pounds, only to plateau and give up in despair. I clung to the reasons my doctors gave. My body wasn’t functioning properly, so it was normal to gain weight. I put all the blame on my condition, instead of the sugar I consumed. I remained miserable, stuck in the belief that there was nothing I could do and I would be fat forever.
When I was younger, I was one hundred and ten percent sure that my lack of confidence had to do with my weight. If I could just be “skinny” (what I now realize is simply a healthy weight), confidence would soon follow. Though I saw healthy people every day without confidence or with low self-esteem, it didn’t compute. I’d be different. So, then, how is it I’m confident now? I haven’t lost weight, and am in fact gaining it. I don’t have tons of friends or go out and party all the time. I don’t lead the life I thought I would need to, to become confident. So what has changed?
I overcame serious medical problems, and I continue daily to overcome them. I’m working and doing well at my job. I graduated high school. I’m learning about myself; what I want and what I don’t want. I’ve separated myself from people who brought me down or made me loathe myself. I cut my hair, despite people telling me not to. What’s changed?
Now I can see a fire inside of myself that I didn’t have before. I can push past my anxieties to do what needs to be done. I can form my own opinions and push past what the majority says to mold myself the way I’d like to be molded. I thought I was independent before, and I was in some ways. But now I’m truly breaking free. Now I’m truly becoming me.
This week I found out I’m heavier than I’ve ever been, but I’m also more confident than I’ve ever been. If I feel this confident now, I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I lost weight like I’ve wanted to since childhood. This news, these thoughts, have excited me to no end. And unlike other times when I’ve looked at the scale and winced, now I look at it and smile. This number no longer sends me into pits of despair. It challenges me into action. It thinks I’ll let it beat me, define me.
Even if I don’t lose weight, I will enjoy myself where I am. I’m bigger than I’ve ever been, but I’m so confident. Obviously my weight has nothing to do with my confidence. The way I feel inside is what shapes my confidence. As long as I continue to grow in confidence, weight won’t matter. It won’t slow me down. It’ll be the icing on the cake. A cake that was pretty dang good to begin with.
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